Living at sea for weeks on end gives you plenty of opportunity to get into deep thought about life, the universe, and everything. You’re far away from the many distractions of our fast-paced urban lifestyle; beepers, hoverboards, you know the drill. And you have time to let your mind wander. But more importantly, it gives you time to grow a comedy beard.
However, I am sad to report that my encouragement has fallen on deaf ears and none of my fellow crew have taken up the challenge. I have grown my eyebrows into a new style but you wouldn’t know it to look at me, and anyway it’s just not the same. A wasted opportunity I say, wasted.
Don’t be fooled though, the voyage has not been without excitement. Where we’ve failed on the facial hair front, we’re more than making up for it in the exciting realm of falling over.
Let me paint you a picture. Imagine you are doing something very ordinary, like for instance cleaning your teeth, or using the toilet, showering, cooking, you know the usual. Now imagine that the entire world is tipped on a 45 degree angle, and is rocking back and fort like a see-saw of doom. Fall on your face, bump your head, get toothpaste in your hair, rip down the shower curtain…now that’s entertainment.
The only solution is to hang on for dear life on anything that you can get your hands on. The result of this is an amazing dance which I’ve named the Pacific Shuffle: put your arms in the air, thrust your hips, and now stagger all over the place like some kind of possessed upside down weeble wobble. All with a bemused look of incomprehension on your face. Beyonce eat your heart out.
Now take sleeping, something that we all take for granted, the simple primordial act of laying your head on the pillow and shutting your eyes, drifting into a calming dream of tropical breezes and gentle lapping waves. Except that this sea is not calm, it a bastard evil demon of doom that is hellbent on keeping you awake at all costs. You might just get comfortable in one position and starting drifting off when all of a sudden you find yourself rolling down the boat, slamming into whatever obstacle lies in your paths.
Some nights I actually went to the extreme measure of using elastic bungy cords to secure myself to my bed. Great for the stomach muscles, not so good for sleeping. And that’s not even mentioning the noise, water sloshing, boat creaking, ropes whipping, head banging. Pissed off is an understatement. I have never in my life been so irritated by inanimate objects; I have called the sea a wanker, the cupboard door that will not stopping banging a loser, and the fridge, ah the fridge that just won’t stay closed, milk carton falling out every time you open it, well I’ve called it several things, none of which are suitable for your innocent little ears.
And as for the sailing part of this expedition you will be happy to read that I have learnt the basics of how to make the wind blow us in the right direction. I have not unfortunately climbed any rigging, but I have scrubbed the deck and I do intend to shout “land ahoy” when we finally see some later today. But on a daily basis there isn’t really much to do. If the wind blows at the same speed from the same direction for 48 hours then all you ever have to do is press a button every once in a while on the autopilot.
All in all the trip so far has not be especially exciting, but all this is about to change as we are a mere 100 nautical miles from Les Marquises, our first stop of many. Once I’ve finished writing this, I will go and sit on deck staring at the horizon until my beloved land comes into sight. Apparently land has a particular smell, I’m not convinced about that one but I’ll let you know. So this time tomorrow I will be doing a different kind of staggering, thanks to the legendary land sickness that often follows long periods at sea. And I will be staggering first, towards a bar because I really really want a cold beer, second, to somewhere that sells ice cream, and third, well frankly, I might just lie on the floor and appreciate the stillness.
If you’re reading this then it means I made it to land and have found my way to an internet café, I’ve had rather a lot of time on my hands so it’s all sort of poured out of me. In summary it was about boats, and beards and bastard things that go bang. So now I am landed for four of five days before we set sail again, this time to Tahiti. But the longest leg of the journey is finished, and if we keep this speed up we should be in Oz before the end of June, bring it on!
P.S. land smells like wet trees and reminds you of everywhere you’ve ever been. It’s weird that I’ve never noticed before. And another important piece of news is that the locals here are covered in mad tats, warrior style, don’t let anyone ever tell you that tattoos aren’t cool.