Eastern Europe by train: part one

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Posted 4th Jul 2008 by Jamie

We stayed in a hostel run by a weirdo from South African Big Brother who looked like he was made of plastic. He told us that his name was “an enigma”…

I wrote these series of emails back in late 2006 when I travelled around Eastern Europe by train. I started off with a few mates for a month of summer fun, and then I ventured off on my own. I’ve modified the emails a bit so they make sense to a blog reader, but apart from that they are as I wrote them back then…

Hello and welcome to Jamie’s long-awaited witty and concise email documenting his travel so far. First of all, congratulations for getting on the list, I know the selection process was tough but you all got through it.

Secondly, sorry if the email is neither witty nor concise; I have been scolding myself for weeks for entertaining the ludicrous notion that it might be and the fact that I have actively marketed it as such simply consolidates my folly. It is much more likely to be verbose and long-winded. If anyone doesn’t want to receive my intermittent rants, please reply with the word ‘Unsubscribe’ in the Subject, and include an 1800 word essay on the pros and cons of hyper-communication in a globalised world.

So I’ve been travelling for about five weeks, and have been on my own for about five days now. Here’s an an abbreviated account of my travels so far…

Paris (one night) – Got told off in our hotel at 2am for repeating very loudly “J’habite en [insert British town in the relevant accent, e.g. 'Liverpool' in thick scouse]“
Munich (two nights) – Celebrated my birthday in a classic stereotypical beer cellar playing literally the worst music I have ever heard (a cross between bad nineties commercial trance and Bavarian folk). The Germans at the bar were loving it (and I must admit that when I was drunk I requested Dreamer by Livin’ Joy, and sang along quite ardently).
Prague (three nights) – The city was so beautiful that it inspired us to name my ridiculously large back-pack “Horace Twatbag”, and the associated zip-on rucksack, “Horace Twatbag’s Massive Detachable Ballsack”.
Zagreb (one day and two night trains getting to and from it) – Me and Rich helped a Czech girl find the right train when she was stranded at Salzburg station in the middle of the night. Despite her not being able to speak any English, with the use of a tiny phrase book we managed to discern that she was a probationary officer in charge of a woman who had stabbed her kids to death in their sleep. Nice.
Hvar, an island off Split in Croatia (one cursed night) – Oh how excited we were to get to a sunny picturesque island! And then camp on a rocky quarry that proceeded to get flooded by a massive storm, getting all our clothes muddy and us very pissed off. Needless to say we got the hell out of there.
Korcula, the next island along (three comfy nights) – Leaving Hvar we got hit by another storm so our plans to camp were thwarted. Thankfully a sexy Muslim from Sarajevo offered us a room in the house her grandfather had built. Went to a club playing incredible music where we encountered an Australian who said things like “Do you wanna fuck me for 4.99, mate?” (I’m paraphrasing), referencing the fact that he slept with a prostitute in Budapest for a fiver. He drunkenly opened his heart to me as his relationship fell apart before our eyes. It was a definite moment.
Orebic, on the peninsula of Croatia (six nights) – Camped ten seconds away from a lush sandy beach, looked at fish through goggles, got tanned.
Korcula again (two nights) – Went to a hostel run by a weirdo who’d been on South African Big Brother and thought it was cool to replay the videos of himself on it every night in the bar. He looked like he was made of plastic. He told Rich that his name was “an enigma”.
Sibenic (two nights) – Stayed in a huge city-like campsite that scared the living shit out of me. I thought I was some sort of tourist refugee, forced to live in limbo with a bunch of socially inept Germans. Krka national park however was stunning, and I spotted a snake in the undergrowth. There were also strange hanging caterpillars sent by God to test your reflexes as you meandered through the wood.
Ljubljana (one night, two night trains around it) – Drank lots of coffee, went to a wicked ‘club’ that was more like four buildings in a carpark surrounded by cool graffiti. Played table football and felt incredibly urban.
Berlin (four nights) – Soaked up the history like a massive knowledge sponge. Got so excited that I began repeating the phrase “I live a life of learning”. Felt bloody cultured seeing some modern jazz.
Amsterdam (three nights) – Got very stoned but managed to hold together some conversations, consisting of a lot of bullshit.

And then all my friends left me and it was just me and Horace Twatbag. I got on a train back to Berlin (very stoned) and read about how inadvisable it is to go on a night train to Gdansk, especially if alone, as there is a high risk of getting gassed and robbed in your sleep. Then I got on a night train to Gdansk, after trying to communicate with a load of scary-as-fuck Russians in uniform who were demanding my passport to try and make sure I didn’t stay in the part of the train that would take me to Russia without a visa… I eventually settled down in my cabin with a really sweet Polish Grandma and Grandson, and didn’t get gassed.